Off Center
by dawnmei
Summary: Neela contemplates her marriage and her roommmate.


**A/N - **I forced myself to sit down and write something today, and this is what I came up with. I haven't seen quite a few of the ER episodes from this time period, so I apologize if there are any major details I've gotten wrong.

Realistically, Neela knew she was unlikely to be the center of someone's world. She'd like to think she wasn't that egotistical; that she would never assume her husband's world would revolve around her. In college she'd valued her independence to a point that bordered on isolation. When she started at County she imagined it was quite possible she'd have been voted "least friendly," which was saying something when you had Frank as your competition. That had changed somewhat in the past year or so, though by no means was she an open book to anyone.

Which was why she had poured her heart out in those letters to Michael in the first place. Even if he didn't, it was easy to imagine he'd be nodding along and thinking to himself, "I understand completely," as he read her words half a world away. Their relationship was built on a lot of hoping and imagining, which she'd come to discover did not lend itself to the firmest foundation. Their wedding, hasty and spontaneous, had led to a honeymoon, romantic and satisfying, which had somehow turned into a marriage, solitary and discomfited.

Her parents' marriage was the most traditional of sorts and while she admired their more than thirty years together, she had never wanted it for herself. Being a doctor did not lend itself to the traditional roles of a wife and she would never contend with a husband who governed unilaterally. It saddened her to think that not once had her father ever made a cup of coffee for her mother nor thought to bring home something just because it was one of her favorites. She respected their relationship, but did not wish it for herself.

Yet, somehow, the marriage she ended up in did not suit her either. She had assumed Michael would find work as a doctor, their schedules would be crazy, and making time to be together might be a bit of a challenge. She never assumed the challenge would be making a marriage work with her husband on a completely different continent. Even working at separate hospitals in Chicago, they would have had the advantages of cell phones chats during their busy days and sharing the same living space. She had yet to find an advantage to him being gone.

It was hard to be excited about being a newlywed when you didn't have the husband to show off with. She'd had none of the pre-wedding festivities, only a few snapshots of the actual ceremony, and were it not for the ring on her finger, it was at times simple to think the entire day had been a dream. With Michael's announcement, their house-hunting had come to an abrupt halt and most of Neela's daily interactions were not with the man she had promised to love, honor, and cherish, but with patients at the hospital, or her roommate, Ray. The band of gold was the only evidence she had of her marriage.

She twisted it now, absently, her mind miles away from the movie that played on the television. Had she ever pictured herself married, which wasn't a large percentage of the time, she never would have pictured this. She'd thought, she'd hoped, that her marriage would be balanced, filled with mutual respect and love and understanding. She'd imagined a husband who would bring home her favorite ice cream from the store, even if it wasn't on the list, and would wear a jacket when she didn't because he knew she'd end up with it around her shoulders. She'd pictured herself sitting through those horrid football games if her husband was a fan, or listening to country music, if that was what he preferred. She'd expected them to at least be….together.

Instead, she was living with Ray, who generally did remember that under no circumstances was he to eat the brownie fudge ice cream in the freezer and would change the channel so she could watch poker on TV, as long as he could tease her about her enthusiasm for the so-called sport. He was the first one she spoke to in the mornings, usually encouraging him not to make them late, and the last one she spoke to at night, unless Michael was able to make one of his rare phone calls. Instead of living with her best friend and being married to her husband, it was almost as if….

She shuddered as though to clear her mind and wouldn't complete that thought. Best not to let distractions become more important than they were. It was complicated enough and she didn't need to complicate things more. While her marriage didn't feel quite…right…she didn't need to go making it feel wrong. Resolutely, she focused on the television, determined to become engrossed in its entertainment. Instead, her eyes grew heavy and it was only when she heard Ray come home that she realized she had fallen asleep. Unwilling to face him and cause further difficulties for her already befuddled brain, she kept her eyes closed.

She heard him in the kitchen searching for, but probably unsuccessful in finding, something to eat. His footsteps drew nearer and she heard the TV go silent, but he stayed standing in the room. Forcing herself to remain perfectly still, she eventually heard a soft chuckle, her name, "long day," and a few other words she couldn't make out. Finally she heard him moving again, and then felt a blanket being gently laid over her. His footsteps then retreated to his own bedroom.

Neela opened her eyes, taking in the time on the digital clock, realizing that her husband was probably just starting his day, wondering if he was thinking about her. Meanwhile, Ray was in the next room, had tried to make her night on the couch more comfortable, and _he_ was the one that would be here when she woke up.


End file.
